Sorry

Well last Friday we went to get Kristoffer's pics done since he really wanted to get his pics done with the snowman at Picture People. As soon as it became his turn he no longer wanted to do them. Kristoffer started crying saying he was scared. I think he just didn't want to do them anymore. I tried not getting my hopes up but I did since he was excited to do them for WEEKS! I tried to stay positive but I slowly started to lose my patients. The more I tried to stay with the if we get them we get them if not oh well attitude the more I was losing grip on controlling my emotions. Being pregnant and off my anti depressants hasn't been easy. I tried and tried to regain myself but the more I tried the faster I was losing it. Which in turn made Kristoffer feel horrible and made him feel like he did something wrong. It should have never got to that point. He felt so bad that when Mike took him to his favorite play area at the mall he didn't want to play. By the time we left the mall I was so mad at myself. I tried not looking at Kristoffer cause I didn't want him to see me upset and I didn't want him to feel worse. I can't wait till I have Erik so I can have a better grip on my emotions. I will probably get back on my Zoloft too.

Basically last friday should NOT have gone the way it did. Kristoffer should NOT have felt the way he did. We went to the tree lighting at Esther Shore Park that night. He wanted a glow stick but the guy only took cash. Well guess what I didn't have....CASH! Good thing it was dark cause I got emotional a little cause I felt I could make up the day a little by getting him one. I told him next year I would get him one. After that we stopped by the gas station. While Mike was in the gas station Kristoffer said for the third time that day "Mommy I'm sorry for my pictures." Which again I started crying. I'm so done with the pregnancy emotional roller coaster and the added hormones. I told Kristoffer it was ok and we could always try again. The next day I sat him down and explained I wasn't mad at him and that I could NEVER be mad at him over pictures. That the next time pictures get done it will be everybody in the pictures including his brother. Also that I was sorry and I didn't mean for him to feel bad. I like his pictures we got.

So this Sunday I think we are going to have a mommy and buddy make up day at the mall. We will go to McDonalds and he can have whatever kids meal combo he wants. Then go play at his favorite spot. I'm embarrassed to being telling everyone this but it has been nagging at me since. As I'm sitting here typing this all out I'm getting teary eyed cause I NEVER thought I could lose control over my emotions like that and make a 5 year old especially MY son feel horrible over something especially something so small. So to Kristoffer I am sorry. I love you and the picture we got.

My handsome Buddy